Inexpressible Heaviness of Being

1) I am a comedian because people told me I should be since I was five and I’ve had semi decent success. If was up to me I’d probably be a fiction writer or a scientist. I was very very VERY close to going to Fordham University for Biology.

2) I was a very dark child and wrote several versions of my will and planned out my funeral. These are probably hilarious instructions hidden in my parents house in great places I can’t remember. But let’s just say my brother has alot of pogs coming his way.

3) My parents never gave me the sex talk. I’m surprised I figured it out on my own, it was pieced together through Television, friends, and logic. But from age 10-12 I thought a vagina was between a girls breasts. It makes sense.

4) I’m afraid to touch stranger’s dog’s butts for fear that they’ll think I’m some sort of dog pervert.

5) I can’t remember ANYTHING in my life before I turned 11.

6) Due to a crazy gag reflex I have because of an immense fear of choking, I cannot chug most liquids (beer and shots included), and just now am learning to swallow pills.

7) People called me peanut head in grade school. And I wasn’t aware until 18 yrs old. And I was devastated.

8) My first concert ever was Elton John, my second was Ricky Martin. The first one rocked, but with the second one made my parents rightly wonder.

9) I have long hair because I’m afraid of confrontation and it’s the most convenient hide behind. It’s also the reason I wear sunglasses, and would wear sunglasses inside if I didn’t look like an asshole.

10) The first few times I got heart burn I freaked out and went to the doctor. They told me my heart was too big and caused me to think I was dying. It changed my life and I have never cried so hard. Three days later the results came back completely negative.

11) I have an overactive metabolism that makes me fog up car windows before anyone else’s in the car. I will prove it.

12) My biggest fear in life is to not have a child. Honestly to me all life exists to reproduce and to not have a kid would be failing.

13) I am the worst with names and am quite embarassed about it.

14) I hate christmas. I have for awhile. I figured out santa wasn’t real accidentally at too young an age and a few years later had a Xmas tree fall on me. It’s not that great. And the fact that people love it, and don’t get/believe me that I dislike it makes me hate it even more. Halloween is fantastic.

15) I’ve only once been so drunk that I haven’t been able to remember what happened. I usually puke my brains out long before that stage or completely pass out to get the necessary sleep to puke my brains out in the morn.

16) Each one of my pieces of jewelry means something or was received on a trip/experience. All except one. The black ring on my finger is because I like it and because it opens beer bottles.

17) I accidentally ate a fist full of ants once while blindly digging into a box of cereal with my hands.

18)A teacher once pulled me aside and told me I was the reason they were retiring. I cut her class one time by jumping out the window with her in the room.

19) My biggest regret in life was not attending somebody’s funeral.

20) I once got bit by a duck wearing a colonial dress in a jewerly store. It’s such a weird story and is not influenced by drugs or alcohol.

21) Mr. T shoved me in the Las Vegas Airport. I was blocking my sisters face in a picture with him and he screamed “BOY, Get out da way!” and full on shoved me. It was the best moment of my life.

22) I quit hockey because I wanted to watch Animaniacs on saturday mornings. Totally worth it.

23) I really like fire. I like candles, lighters and lanterns. Anything with a flame. When I was 3 I fell into a camp fire. It never occured to me that you couldn’t hug flames. But I danced that night. I danced.

24) I love cheesey bad horror movies. They’re a guilty pleasure of mine. If anyone hasn’t seen the movie Slugs. I suggest you drop everything and do so.

25) I have an annoying habit of injecting peoples names into songs when they are in the car with him.