The Boccuzzi Factor

Four R’s: Remakes, Returns, Rip-offs and Retro or Rebranding a Series Because Sequels Aren’t Unoriginal Enough.

Guess what, Hollywood is unoriginal. Now I know that’s probably never been brought to your attention before, correct? You’ve never heard anyone say something like that? In fact, in all probability, I’m blowing your goddamn mind right now?
Yes. Hollywood is unoriginal. Yes. We have heard this constantly by anyone who didn’t like one of many features on UPN to not like (RIP Shasta McNasty). Everything on television seems like a spinoff of a spinoff and most blockbuster movies are usually sequels, rip offs, remakes, or based off some toy I used to throw at my sister’s face. But while we complain about the unoriginality and banal existence of new ideas in pop culture we forget one thing: technically it’s our fault. When we moan and groan about movies being high priced and regurgitated we point fingers to Hollywood.

For example, Let’s start with a discussion on that awesome newer movie, Star Trek, which I absolutely loved. And I hate that. Yes I’m saying I hate that I loved something. How poetically cock-eyed- the fact that I enjoyed what I despise about the field I (apparently) got a degree in, someone call goddamn Lewis Carroll. The movie did very well at the box office. This is no surprise- it is the most popular science fiction  television show. Who wouldn’t go see it. And besides, they successfully executed what’s necessary in order for a warm welcome.

You need:
-A decently faithful tale of the original so the diehard nerds are happy. (this means both in plot points and in the preexisting universe or reality of whatever they are ripping off)
-A certain flair in the faithfulness so those nerds deem the overall movie worth seeing for the twist and worth making for the studio. The “new Gimmick” appeal
-A quick but very explanative way of making newcomers feel welcome.
-An subtle ending or plot that suggests sequel.
-J. J. Abrams

That’s essentially how they should operate to be well received. But alot of times they just know they’ll be taking your money and don’t care, much like Indiana Jones 4- they know damn well people will see that movie no matter what horrible review is given. As long as a movie like Star Trek, GI JOE, Transformers and Terminator Salvation will do well (and they will) Hollywood will not stop it’s recent trend of rebranding it’s own successes for the tons of money they all know it will generate.  Think about it, why would studio’s take stock in a new unknown product, invest millions of dollars into a risk when they could guarantee themselves a turned profit? They won’t.

G.I. Joe is apparently a terrible movie. And I know most people born between 1975 - 1990 will want to go see it. The toy was awesome, the show was great. The dynasty of repeated success we have given G.I. Joe will cause them to make it and us to go see it regardless. Because we can’t stop it. Hollywood knows what we the people want, they just execute it poorly most times using Brett Ratner. Or Brett Fatner. or Brat Rat-turd. I could go on, there’s a myriad ways to call that man terrible.

Hollywood is obviously a business, and like all businesses, no one knows what the fuck is going to sell. Remember POGS? Who the hell saw that coming? We cannot really blame Hollywood without blaming ourselves. Each TV show/movie is like any other product in a business. It does test screenings with questionnaires like a product would, it has investors, supplies some demand, and has consumers. If we love the product once, we should love it again when it’s more sleek. If you loved the Swifter, You’ll love Swifter WetJet. It’s mere capitalizing- selling a familarity, the same product right under our noses.

Hence the sequel, the most basic classical conditioning move since salivating for a professor’s meat (?). To them they remember that decently original movie they made and they will make it until we tell them not to. That is, if they ever do, Land Before Time had a communication problem. It’s just logical. If it’s good… that doesn’t matter, Hollywood doesn’t care if it’s good. It cares about your money. Artistic integrity exists in Hollywood like this blog would exist in China. It’s all about rebranding, how do we start to sell the same product once more (Star Trek), how do we sell the same exact product (every sequel ever) how do we capitalize off the already appealing (Transformers). But you also can’t take too many liberties with something people loved. One walks a fine line between cashing in on that same image and making the public satisfied. Because maybe it doesn’t care if it does satisfy us, it wants to. It wants to so badly in order to keep you as a customer and reap the benefits of another rebranding.

It isn’t Hollywood’s fault. It isn’t.  Picture Hollywood as a new dog we bring home; it just wants to please us, it is original as far as its dog form and curious intellect allows itself to go, but it will do whatever we respond to because it doesn’t know any better and would die without “us”. It’s trying to make us happy so we don’t send it back. It is, by all means, fucking retarded. So we train it to do what it does so it can be better suited for our future together. Don’t tear up my shoes. Don’t make Spider-man 3 have dance sequences. Do chase the ball I threw. Do stop after the first Pirates of the Caribbean. It is simple Pavlov’s classic “classical conditioning”. But if you reward a “puppy” (Hollywood) with “treats” (money) when it “shits” (shits) all over your head then get ready for a shitty head every night. So to say “Hollywood is unoriginal” is to say that the American Public is unoriginal, it reflects what we’ve proven we want from it. This may be true. Individually speaking, people can be original, together we are as original as Jurassic Park 3. That’s why we have these people whose job is to produce movies. We want new ideas but give them the impression we will never stop appreciating what we love. And no, I will never write an entry without mentioning how terrible Jurassic Park 3 was.

Obviously story will be affected in some way; unoriginality is a technicality of the process of selling the same things back to us. There’s only so much you can cash in on while walking the fine line of respecting the original. Even when they blow it like Joel Schumacher with “Batman”, or Ang Lee with “Hulk”- give anything long enough and people will forgive you. We can’t stop it. What are we going to do, not go to the movies? No. We are. And we’ll occasionally like it. We’ll enjoy the occasional original things not when they show face. They still do once and a while. Things not ripped off, not remade, not a sequel, not based on a book, toy, video game or famous figure. There are still creative people in the industry- most of them just get people coffee or can’t prove their piece should be made. That’s the way it is. We just can’t complain anymore.

23 June 2009 • G.I. JOE Remake Sequels Movies television pop

"Bringing back a Dinosaur" goes WAY deeper than it should: Fear of Science versus Fear of God

It always amazes me how bizarre Hollywood “scientific” notions so easily influence the scientific community into thinking things might work. It’s never impressive or yearned for either (Pee Wee Herman’s breakfast machine), it’s usually something boring and technical (the contraption in Jodie Foster’s “Contact”).

Something scientists have been contemplating for years is the possibility of bringing back a dinosaur. If you search “bringing back a dinosaur” on Google you’ll have no shortage of people saying they can/can’t, should/shouldn’t. Personally I’m all for it, but I’m a man-child, and boys are supposed to like dinosaurs, they were my preamble to women (both of which I’m fascinated, they kind of scare me, and I’d cry after sex with one).

Awhile back, right around the time when producers pinched out Jurassic Park 3 into theaters, there was an article how the mosquito-in-amber method could technically work. It’s that method of a preserved blood-sucking insect getting tapped it for it’s sweet rewarding dino blood. A bit more recently Japanese scientist have succeeded in having salmon give birth to trout which doesn’t seem like much- I probably couldn’t tell the two apart, but I like to imagine it’d be like a Gorilla giving birth to Lady GaGa, which may or may not have happened, I don’t trust a “woman” with a voice that deep. But that means that we can have animals play host to the babies of another similar species. And that’s fucking crazy.

But first bringing back the dinosaurs… below are my concerns in easy to read bullet points!

  • First off, Earth can’t even support the fucking panda, the most docile cute creature imaginable, It eats one thing and one thing only then sleeps like 18 hours a day. We can’t handle that. So I really don’t know how the massive 13 foot lizard-bird monster will fair. Let’s deal with the animals we have already walking the Earth first anyway.
  • Is this what scientists should be doing… cloning dinosaurs? Maybe they should be focusing on something other than some huge monster capable of killing us- I don’t know, something about that whole “Earth is warming too fast” problem. As if the human race needed another thing to murder us.
  • Let’s say we do find the DNA of a dinosaur in this mosquito, how do we know it doesn’t belong to some boring small fat dinosaur that sits around and farts alot? The Fartosaurus Sux. That will ruin dinosaurs for everyone. The way I see it- if dinosaurs are coming back, I want the coolest one imaginable or just forget it. No one’s that desperate to have lame mediocre dinosaur no one likes. What’s the sense? It better be huge, a T.Rex, or spit acid - the drug or the burning chemical compound, either one would make people like me happy.
  • Fourth, we might have to keep cloning the same one because the DNA is so hard to come by and the odds of finding another DNA strand of the same exact species are stacked up against us. This means the clones could never mate because they’ll just be producing inbred retard dinosaurs and no one likes a retard dinosaur, except all those kids who loved Barney (I’ve never seen a dinosaur so happy to know 2 + 2 = 4, what a fucking idiot. I think it’s more impressive you haven’t eaten any of the unsupervised small children dancing around you).


I think we will bring one back. Not “we” as in us now, I don’t think our generation will see it. But we, as humans, will bring some sort of 65 million year old creature back. If we have the logic and the technology necessary, the two things Science needs, we will at least try to. Why will we? Because bringing dinosaurs back is the perfect representation of domination over Science and the complete severance from God (science’s sworn enemy). The act of bring back something dead for so long that it makes the DoDo look like Bea Arthur (that WAS too soon, you’re right) would mean we conquered science and, more importantly God. Earth killed them and God denies there existence, it’s be the perfect achievement for the human race to show how great we are - a monument to our accomplishments and rule over the history of Earth. We can’t stop until we rule this planet in all aspects, and ruling over a creature that once ruled this planet (that we never had the chance to rule over when they were alive) is just the exact type of self-gratifying, intellectual empowering, masturbatory pat-on-the-back that I expect out grandkids will dawn shit eating grins over. I’m not against bringing back a dinosaur, one that’s worthy of course (see bullet point 3) I’m just saying the reason we would is exactly like the Hollywood version- for all the wrong reasons, not necessarily for science purposes but to make a fucking spectacle of our abilities as the superior Homo. Wait- that came out wrong.

Whatever we can use to our advantage- to save our own ass- we will worship. At the drop of a hat people will always believe in whatever can save or destroy their lives (see my article on Aliens and ghosts for more examples). But right now our “saving grace” is science. But not even 300 years ago people were God fearing, that’s why the Pope called the shots for so long, he as the acting voice of God. That’s why God was so popular. He had the power to help or hinder our existance here AND in the afterlife. Now today with disease control, global warming, Y2K, and the gas crisis, we’ve become science fearing. You have cancer? God has a 50% chance of helping you- and that’s if you’re a believer. Treatment, medical breakthroughs and science are more likely going to save you. So of course we are seeing a rapid growth in religious drop outs from every religion more and more everyday. Are people that shocked at the depletion of worshippers? Knowledge always comes over beliefs. Logic is why science is so appealing, it’s physical. We can understand and see it happen in front of us. The human is logical creature, always has been- always will be. The gift of logic is why we’re not still swinging on trees and picking lice out of hair. On the down side it is the reason we wear pants…except when getting sexy!

It’s weird to think that in the past, if people didn’t know why or how something happened, they blamed it on a deity. Look at the Roman and Greek gods, they explain everything from spiders being a goddess to lightning being weapons fashioned by a heavenly blacksmith. Now, not too long ago, scientists put spider genes in goats so they’d produced webs instead of milk and we now know that lightning starts from the ground and works it’s way up to the sky. Life science, in general, has just become relatively moldable to humans. We can only recently really control the aspects of its outcomes, in when control of something hasn’t been established for long there exists a weird unsure transitional period. I prefer it now, because for awhile, it seemed most all science was a basic trial by errors that scared the shit out of humans. Simple scientific explanations like thunder and a solar eclipse terrified early humans. Sneezing was your soul escaping, and leeches covering your pale body was beneficial to blood thinning. Now we’re putting trout eggs in salmon and colliding atom components. We aren’t playing God, a term I’ve always enjoyed (Why does God get to have all the fun? Don’t tell me we can’t make a mouse with an ear on it’s back and God can create the Platypus, nature’s Andy Dick)- we’re showing God the door. We’re the cover band that managed to do it better and now we’re releasing hit singles called “tralom” or “salout”. I’m not looking forward to a scientific established world either. No one is. That’s why Hollywood perceives the futuristic era as bleak, cold and uniform. I like this half science period where crazy concepts are being thought up and there’s still a certain spirit to science.

Why will we bring the dinosaurs back? Because science holds the secrets we need to uncover to fully understand our physical world and we will not be satisfied until our domination over it. Because we can crack the code of mostly everything physical in our world - we will. Nerds will figure it out. It’s the greatest intellectual challenge and boy, do nerds love intellectual challenges. We are dominating and exploring all of science because we can see it, it responds back to us, science is logic and math, science can save and destroy us. Science is everything God isn’t. God is belief and trust, could also save and destroy us, but God’s not always reliable and he requires faith. God requires us to give something constant back to him for his help. Science requires nothing constant from the common man and yet its benefits are reaped by all. Science is where faith goes to get raped. And God is where knowledge goes to get curb stomped.

I meant this to be a funny thing about dinosaurs. Is anyone still reading this? To those of you who are let me say I’m not going to preach anymore than I have. You do whatever you think you need to so you can cover your own ass in life. I’m just gonna leave you all with a quote from Albert Einstein, “Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind”. Don’t be lame. Don’t be blind. And you should trust Albert, he was smart and starred in an Animaniacs episode. That’s more than I could ever dream of accomplishing- besides riding a sweet dinosaur.

6 May 2009 • dinosaurs god fear science

Waking up the American Dream: Its Change, Immortality and Zombie Forefathers

I love America. Honestly I do. I’m aware that, within the past few decades, its government has been as appealing as having tiny glass shards in your retinas. But besides that, this land is good land. It’s a blessing to be here, no matter where you stand in politics. “American” probably means you have shoes and access to food. So despite your hippy-dippy liberal problems with everything, you’re lucky your parents sexed in this country and not somewhere like in Somalia, Eritrea or worse, China. 

Thus generations of people are still trying to come here to succeed and find happiness, the “American Dream” as it were, which, as of late, has become more and more of a hot topic of discussion. With the economy hitting the fan, the world physically dying and a (gasp) black president, it seems America has taken some unexpected turns in the past few years. It was the second week into the new administration when I heard CNN correspondent Jack Cafferty talking at length about the Dream. Frankly, he’s worried about it, and believes it to be dead. He preaches we may have to “lower our expectations for it” (I always thought it was alive and well and could be seen existing while on tons of psychedelics in Las Vegas. That may not be case). Regardless, Cafferty is under the impression that the Dream isn’t fitting neccessarily into the scheme of things anymore.

Where does the great Dream fit into all of this new scheme of things?

Does it exist anymore?

Hell, what is the American Dream? 

According to Wikipedia, the most generalized public opinion/knowledge safe haven (so it MUST be true!), lists the Dream as “referring to the supposed freedom that allows all citizens and all residents of the United States to pursue their goals in life through hard work and free choice.” This could be an acceptable definition. Except the “supposed freedom” part, which makes it seem like there isn’t really freedom and the president is going to tell you how to earn your happiness at a chosen profession like something from “The Giver”. So I find this definition completely typical bullshit wikipedia content written by the egghead losers who wouldn’t recognize a woman if one sat on their faces. But that’s just me.

The original concept of the American Dream was coined in 1931 by James Truslow Adams in his book “The Epic of America”  he defines it as:

“that dream of a land in which life should be better and richer and fuller for everyone, with opportunity for each according to ability or achievement… It is not a dream of motor cars and high wages merely, but a dream of social order in which each man and each woman shall be able to attain to the fullest stature of which they are innately capable, and be recognized by others for what they are, regardless of the fortuitous circumstances of birth or position.”

This dream Adams talks about sounds more identity based, concerning race and social differences. It’s more like the certain dream a good doctor had in the early 1960’s than what it is today. Our American Dream today doesn’t concern other’s perception of identity. Today it is economy based. That’s the major difference. The American Dream is purely individual based on financial security. It’s that Dream we want for ourselves and our own family. “A Car in every garage and a chicken in every pot”. It is our success over the system of how things are. Somewhere along the way we were duped into thinking money was more important a goal than the giving everyone the opportunity itself.For most, it’s a cushy job of choice, a white picket house in a nice neighborhood, with college bound kids to raise with every opportunity to be just as successful as Mom and Dad. That’s how I would interpret the Dream now, financial security, not social. How much money one has in the bank account replaced everyone’s ability to HAVE a bank account. Personal ambition dominated over social. 

This wasn’t Adam’s dream. His involved people’s perception of others. It isn’t “fancy cars and wages”, rather it’s that we, as a nation, look passed barriers and pay attention who we give opportunities to- namely everyone. It isn’t about having enough money to send your daughter to college it’s more that someday your daughter will be allowed in a college. No wonder Obama would use that original Dream in his campaign, he came from a lower class, single mother in Hawaii, worked his way up using the opportunities he was allowed to become the first black president. He is the original Dream.

That’s the dream worth sleeping for, so to speak.

Of course back in 1931 things were tense with immigrants and race relations. It was 7 years after the Immigration Act of 1924, set into motion because of an overwhelming flood of Europeans. It was also the Great Depression, a time when the country was in worse shape than it is now, AND, to makes everyone even more pissed, prohibition was still in effect. Who the hell wasn’t dreaming of something more meaningful to living. What better piece of propaganda to jump start American hearts and goals. The Dream. It’s what natives wanted to hear and newbie immigrants needed to. Pursuit happiness for everyone.

No not everyone can become rich with three cars and two dogs, no matter what every advertisement will want you to believe. But we can achieve to make sure everyone has that opportunity to do so, like that whole- oh what was it, the whole “all men are created equal” thing. Isn’t that why the forefathers came to this country. Isn’t that what America was to begin with? As I remember it wasn’t for a gold rush like Spanish conquistadors, nor did they freeze to death and hunger for the hell of it, it was about ideals and about everyone being free to do what they needed to so everyone could pursue their happiness- everyone other than, ya know, Native Americans, in which case….death to all heathens!

Is the original American Dream dead? No. We continually show it will never keel over.

The idea of peace and equality in the USA will never die.  That Dream wasn’t dead in the 60’s with MLK, or last year here in California over Prop 8. It’s just replaced, covered up by our own individual ambitions. To dream is to get you so far until you have to face reality. A dream in life is just a fantastical accomplishment that will, most likely, not manifest itself unless work is put in.

Should we lower our standards for that original Dream? No. Never. Don’t ever. Or they’ll win and our forefathers will roll over in there graves. Zombie Ben Franklin will electricute us with his “Powder-like” shock powers gained from the kite incident, and zombie George Washington will ax us in the shins. Trust me- I’m unemployed and I read wikipedia.

The American Dream today is a different case. Should we lower our expectations of ourselves, success wise? Probably. Money isn’t everything, including happiness- not at all as important as equality. This is hard to teach people when Nickelodeon and Disney are mentally preparing your kids to be rocking musical basketball stars and other network channels are single handedly making celebrities out of people who marry midgets. Who doesn’t dream for big riches when it seems so accessible?As long as money exists, people will always dream for more of it. Even in this economy, that Dream should be stronger. This isn’t a bad thing. Wanting more money for the security of you and yours is not wrong. The fact that we label it “American” is a little twisted and self gratifying. It is suffering, but a dream can’t suffer, a dream should only inspire more then under pressure.

I wonder why we’d classify today’s ambition financial security Dream as “American”? I’m sure people in the Republic of Congo dream of having tons of money- more so than I could ever. If not money then a life expectancy of over 35. So why the American label? Because in America, money is happiness. And happiness is always behind the American Dream (and any dream in general for that matter).

But it’s important to remember these are just dreams in themselves, not guaranteed, but something to strive for. My thoughts are if the Dream is turning towards individualism like it has anyway, it should go all the way. Your American Dream should be whatever you want it to be, so long as it represents ultimate happiness. Marrying who you want is a dream. Saying what you want without persecution is a dream. Having eight babies and getting surgery to look like a snake woman/famous actress is a dream. If that makes you happy… do it. That’s what this country is all about. I’m writing to tell you that financial success is not a thriving possibility but happiness always is.

We immediately failed when let the country classify or define dreams to begin with. They should be ours to have and not something we should all, in uniform, live up to. Dreams are the one thing you have that no jerk off nerds should never touch. That’s the reason settlers came here thats the reason people fought and died in war. To secure happiness for the people, by the people, with liberty, and justice for all. 

CUE THE BOSTON POPS! 

24 April 2009 • America American Dream Freedom Dreams

Discovery Channel "Exploit your world": Pop Science, Exploitation of knowledge and why Shark Week got ruined.



As I’m floating on the choppy surface of the Caribbean sea I have several horrid graphic thoughts run through my head that is currently pointing downward at the massacre on the sea floor. Through my foggy scuba mask I see about a dozen black tip sharks shredding through large hunks of unidentifiable meat, circling and swarming, in a menacing method of taking turns to devour whatever they can before the next guy swims in behind. And all I can think about is the husky woman in an orange one piece next to me bobbing up with the swells. She is scared- I can tell by her quicken kicks to tread. But I am relatively calm. If anyone’s getting attacked it’s her and not me because that’d be like choosing one french fry over a whole pizza. A fat pizza… with a southern accent.

Then one curious 6 foot long shark starts to drift closer to our snorkeling group. We aren’t allowed to thrash or look piss scared, because that will provoke them, and whatever happens, we can never let go of the yellow rope. Everyone starts breaking all of those rules immediately.

Its torpedo body is about 15 feet away. The buffet is no longed worth the long line- there are much more excitable happenings near the surface. As I look into its beady darting black eyes I understand why drinks weren’t served on board yet and why it took intense begging of the bartender to get shots of rum. I absolutely would  vomit underwater but I know how horrible an experience that is. You just float in your own puke and, depending on the current, it may flow back and get all over your face. Trust me.

Back on the boat my mother sits nervously. The boats crew, who look too much like one time Wailers’ groupies, stand casually saying things to eachother in such a Caribbean island dialect that turn simple English words like pure gibberish. The Captain, aptly and hilariously named Smokey, notes the large orange woman’s distress and pipes in something like “Don’t worree, itz ah scavengah- not a huntah”. This fails to make anyone feel better. My reasoning is that scientists say that same thing about the T. Rex but that doesn’t mean I’d wave my ass at one. This guy might as well be tell us this information through a bong like a megaphone.

But nothing bloody will end up happening here, that is, except for Shark Week being ruined for me immediately. And boy, did I love me some Shark Week.

I see through it’s bullshit clearly now, as clear as that blue water that I may or did fearfully piss in. I went on that snorkeling trip with the intent of getting an experience the likes I would never have again. Instead I realized Shark Week has ruined that animal for me entirely. I’m sick of them. Like my affinity for penguins was ruined by movies (March of the Penguins, Happy feet, Madagascar, Farce of the Penguins, Surf’s up), the Discovery Channel is ruining how appealing sharks are by constantly telling me they are indeed. And you’ll never realize it until you see one face to face with nothing separating.  Everything I experienced on the trip was a lame tired dick around compared to every Shark Week I’ve ever seen. I see sharks now and all I can think is how many more awesome things they could be doing because I’ve seen them do so, repeatedly.

It is capitalizing on an animal, when you think about it, no different from my Rasta boat crew. Thats all it is.  The Discovery Channel is a network and all television networks will hold on to something successful with such tenacity that all the life gets squeezed out making it limp. That way it can generate the tons of money from sponsors who know the programs will do well. It’s not bad, necessarily, it’s just weird to think sharks, an animal, can be exploited for financial gains. Sharks really sold out bigger than any shitty band you liked in high school.

They are the serial killers of the sea. I understand why we are drawn to them. It’s the raw power of an animal made to be the sleekest killer on Earth. Lions are killers but you can cuddle a trained one. Alligators are vicious but they can be subjected to wrestling by some uneducated toothless hick. There is nothing submissive about the shark. But here’s what I realized in that pee water: they will never do anything new to impress anyone. They will always use the same limited techniques to kill their prey and that can only be exciting for so long. We watch regardless knowing full well that a shark will swim up fast, bite a fish or cage, and some will fly out of the water to catch seals. That’s it. That’s all you’ll see on most shark programs. Now if one day a shark came with lasers shooting out of its eyes I’d be all in. That will never happen. I accept that now. It’s silly when the show ends with someone saying “By learning about these creatures we can live alongside them in peace and understanding.” Really because you just showed 44 minutes of sharks looking like nature’s killer douche bag.

When I was growing up The Discovery Channel used to be about learning and educational programs, interesting nature docs and Science News. That was before the dilution of TLC/Animal Planet and the cable era of today. Now it seems like it’s a bored teen with a YouTube account, showing everyone slightly gross absurd things that could teach you something, but who cares, it’s all awesome. (this is the Discovery Channel’s tag line “The World is Just Awesome”). Clearly they stopped caring about the education aspect because their motto was written by Bill and/or Ted. But like the shark, they were at one time capitalizing off scientific knowledge, which is great, everyone gets something useful out it it, either smarts or money. That is no more. The Discovery Channel still capitalizes off scientific exploration but really has changed to scientific exploitation and it seems to be a successful rebranding.

It proves that learning can never be as big a draw as what’s cool. The public being taught things through a television will never be incredibly popular. PBS isn’t exactly top watched. Planet Earth came closest as of late, it was also visually stunning but if you watch it again you’ll notice they only talk about the craziest things they could gather from nature. You learn things, but those things are usually irrelevant.

Take, for example, Mythbusters. It is the biggest example of pop science I’ve ever seen. And “pop anything” means pure exploitation for the masses. In this show, myths that I didn’t even know existed get tested for validity. Finding scientific fact in the widespread gossip. I’ve heard many people label this show “the most educational television show on the channel”. That saddens me. Science is about learning, you don’t learn much from this show except, yes, a  machine gun can cut down a tree with bullets, no, you cannot survive being buried alive in a coffin. That isn’t science, it’s obvious bullshit under the guise of the Scientific Method with the benefits a Hollywood Budget. It’s, again, not relevant, which science is fucking supposed to be. It’s just going to look cool. Watching that isn’t going to tell me anything remotely enlightening. Neither is a man searching out dirty jobs, playing on humans love for being grossed out, or a crazy Brit telling us how to survive in the woods of Finland. Irrelevant.

The tag line “Explore your world” was a better motto. In our world, the popular stand out things get noticed, general knowledge are seen as irrelevant, and its filled with people who would rather watch how to do something on television then actually go out and do so.

17 April 2009 • Sharks Discovery Channel Pop Science Mythbusters

Nostalgia for 80's/90’s Entertainers’ Despair: Putting on Parachute Pants Backward for Reality Sucked the Fun Out of Today

Who remembers late 80’s/early 90’s entertainment? I certainly do, thanks to VH1’s programming and a meaningless early upbringing spent in front of the television. It was that unforgettable time of pure terrible nonsense which makes me yearn for something more in today’s bad. Apparently back then there was a need for entertainers to have a “grabbing” quality to them, no matter how half baked or poor that quality was. I’m saying that there is an fine line between then and now, in which phony ploys and cheap gimmicks were not allowed to cross. This is a tragedy. People really knew how to appear flat out mentally challenged for attention back then- and no one is missing this but us consumers. And I, for one, want my crazed desperate attention obsessed performers back. I want my celebrity gimmicks that poorly covered up how awful they were, as compared to now, where things are inexcusably awful but without a hook or passion that made you feel the least bit glad to be watching.

I’d like to bring up a few things. Kris Kross were the perfect lackluster musicians but amazing bullshit artists. Their whole identity was based on backwards clothing. That’s it, they could sing, but then again, who the hell can’t? Thus everything they wore was backwards. How desperately fascinating is that ploy? My god. And it worked. They got our attention, the picture above is from their VIDEO GAME. Yes they got a video game, stemming from putting your butt where your crotch goes. And now I have to put up with Carrie Underwood? What the hell happened? Where’s the fun? Give her something worth while. MC Hammer used huge pants and crazy dancer. His rhymes were terrible (Hammer Time ended up translating to a millisecond because that’s how long his career lasted). That was his hook, that’s why we couldn’t look away. Even in basketball, Dennis Rodman got noticed for looking like the biggest idiot I’ve ever seen.  Who cares if he played on the Bulls and was overshadowed in talent by Michael Jordan the greatest basketball player ever, he looked like an asshole and we greatly responded to him with tons of attention. And though I love him, Jim Carrey’s overacting really shown through during this time for being completely over the top and just plain stupid. He was the class clown that tried to hard. Goddamn it they even made Crystal Pepsi, they gave soda a cheap gimmick. None of it worked, ultimately (save for Jim Carrey, but even now, he isn’t like that anymore). Surprisingly Flavor Flav transcended that time gap, probably because of the time continuum device around his neck that allows him to time travel, freeze time. Regardless, everyone in the early nineties was trying way to hard, but if we had to put up with bad content anyways at least there was a pathetic originality to it.

Reality TV has clearly killed our fun. Anyone can be on television now- if they wanted. No one’s yelling that kind of sad cry for attention anymore. All you have to do is act slightly unusual and get on a show just as easily. It used to be a challenge to get noticed- now you just have to be moderately talented at a profession (comedian, cook, fashion designer, policeman, ice road trucker, king crab fisherman), knock yourself up with eight kids, or marry a midget. Honestly, Andy Warhol was right, our 15 minutes of fame are ready to be had at any moment all you have to do is reach out there and grab them. As a result, no one is desperate and that starved for attention, but people are just as shitty enough to have it. Thanks reality TV, I had this whole thing planned where I was going to dress only in sleeping bags and bring back the “barbershop quartet” with a giantess, an Edgar Allen Poe impersonator and a flamingo. Thanks pop culture.

7 April 2009 • Reality TV nostalgia ploy pop culture kris kross